Friday, January 15, 2021
Tuesday, December 22, 2020
As I convert the teacher's videos, and as I see his face, it makes me remember how perfect it was. He was gay, but when he told me I have a problem and he used to have this problem too, I knew I would remember that. Because that answer get more clear to me each day.
When he got within my darkness, I knew I saw him. He's there, within me and when my heart feels aching, I know it is that problem that makes me feel this way. My darkness has issues, just like he did. But he believed in me, that I can do this. He was, he got to the level where he lived in the artist state of being place. I want to live there.
Now why do I want to live where the teacher lives, one might say? Because "the teacher thing" he did, includes, as a matter of fact, it is all based on the sexual thing in Man. It is sexual but not the physical sexual thing we do here on earth, but a spiritual similar thing, that actually feels better than sex. I feel that for him and I am priviledged to say that even though he didn't want to do this with me, that he decided to do this with me.
Sunday, December 20, 2020
This is my new blog. It has been a while since I blogged so this will be a new experiment. I changed a lot since the last time I wrote anything. The old Ana is gone. The new me has new values and ideals so I am happy about the new me. I guess this will be like my journal, only, perhaps, not as personal. I always get personal even in public, so what do I care about being too personal.
The teachings have become my life. There has been a lot of resistance to begin doing the teachings, but I always desired it underneath it all. The acting career wasn't what I thought it would be. It was, after all, an ideal. But who says one can't aim to do both, the ideal and the real, mammon and God? After all, I live on Earth, where the fizical things rule. I want both, to do the teachings and to serve mammon, that forever present desire to attain an ideal of performing in Hollywood movies.
I began to narrate books. when the Corona virus started to spread all over the planet, I was quarantining and decided to build a sound booth to have alone time from my husband and kids. So I narrate texts that contain the teaching in them. Of worlds that used to be, the lost imperialism times, before the Communists took over. A reality I missed out on.
I love old texts for different reasons. As a producer, I can't get in trouble with the copyright law, which means I can create my own content without hopefully being sued. Another reason is because I love to discover how people used to experience space and time in the past. Another reason is that the present times always seem too rough for me to be able to accept. When I lived in Romania I was sensitive to the communist present which presented a prison to me, from which there was no option of escape. The present of today changed as I moved to America, but also, there are radical views forever present which disturb my peace. There are police officers being recorded for killing black men and the Black Lives Matter movement was always present in my reality during the Covid Quarantine.
This left aspect of life, is the B side I learned to observe in the teachings. I haven't experimented with it lately much, except that I am beginning to take advantage of it by applying for government assistance such as food stamps and having my University studies paid for through school grants. Priviledges I didn't know I had before I became aware of this left aspect of the realities of life.
Maybe that's why I love to act and narrate in old stories. They have the imperial ways in them, which the left dislikes. In the intellectual arena it is referred to as the ignorance of man, which the left always forces us to question. In essence I know I am the left and have been brainwashed to perform it on purpose in Communist schools and as a matter of fact schools all over the place, with the exception perhaps of Hinsdale.
Having lost my father to Corona, I am even more determined to appreciate the left view of things but to move on and be in charge of my own inner feelings. There are so many who have been uptight with me, more so in my youth, who conned me to held back from helping me in the entertainment business simply based on the way I look. The left dislike whiteness and call out priviledge solely based on race. The right looked at the fact that I am from a different country as labeling me "the other" as referred to in his book "Orientalism" by Edward Said.
It hasn't been to my advantage to pick a side. Whether it is the right or the left, Imperialism or Communism, Capitalism or Socialism, I have made up my mind that I am the only one who will help myself. To survive, feed my children, or to have an amazing life. So I'm taking advantage of both sides, and in doing so, I'm neither a liberal or republican, white or ethnic, but in charge of my inner state, my peace of mind, and therefore I do the teachings first, but I take advantage of the cruel aspects in life. I take advantage and perform in media. But for a different purpose than the old Ana.